Helping
Hands - How Friends and Relatives can Help
from the
book How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility
by Dr. Aniruddha
Malpani, MD and Dr. Anjali Malpani, MD.
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of contents ·
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This chapter
is to help friends and family members to understand the needs of an infertile
couple better. Sometimes it's difficult to know what to say to a couple
who are confronted by an infertility problem because it's such a private
matter, that you'd rather not intrude. And, sometimes, it seems as if
no matter what you do or say, it's the wrong thing.
Here are
a few suggestions which may help you provide the support they need.
- Be ready
to listen. Infertile couples have a lot on their mind and need someone
to talk to - help them get things off their chest.
- Don't
offer advise unless you are very well informed . You may not be sure
what their specific medical problem is - and in any case, if they need
medical advise, they can get it from their doctor.
- Be sensitive
and don't joke about infertility. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive
about many things - try to put yourself in their shoes.
- Be patient.
Infertile couples are on an emotional roller-coaster and often their
moods and actions are unpredictable. Don't get hurt when they seem to
be preoccupied with their problems - they are not rejecting you when
they want to be alone.
- Be realistic
and supportive of their decisions. Once they've reached a difficult
decision, support them, no matter what your personal feelings may be.
After all, this is their decision , so don't say things like " I'd never
consider doing that !"
- Don't
criticise their doctor or treatment choices. This only serves to aggravate
their stress.
- Understand
that individuals and couples respond to infertility differently. Accept
them for what they are, as they are, when they are.
- Above
all, be there when they need you and show them that you care.
There is
rarely a quick or simple answer to infertility problems. Assessment and
treatment procedures usually take considerable time. You can help by not
forcing the issue with questions such as "When are you going to have a
baby ?" They may not know if they can have a child, much less when it
will be. You can help by allowing them to decide if and when they want
to talk about it.
Each couple's
experience of infertility is very real for them and cannot be compared
with others as being more or less serious. The wish to have a baby, and
the fear that it might not be possible, is of paramount importance. You
can help by not comparing them with other people you may know about. Refrain
from telling stories about other infertile couples - they are rarely helpful.
It is not
helpful or medically sound to offer advice such as "relax", "take a holiday",
etc. You can help by not giving misguided, albeit well intended, advice,
and by helping to break down the myths that surround fertility difficulties.
Some people
consider infertility to be a private concern. Yet others find comfort
in being able to share it with close friends and family members. It is
normal for people to feel sad, angry or depressed at times. You can help
by respecting their need for privacy - or, by offering support if there
is a need to talk about it. Be prepared to accept the expression of feelings
such as anger, sadness and depression.
Those experiencing
infertility often feel inadequate because they have no control over their
reproductive system. You can provide support by recognising and helping
them to see the strengths, qualities and achievements in other areas of
their lives.
Some people
experience fertility problems after having one child. This is devastating
and frustrating for those who feel their families are incomplete. You
can offer support by understanding what this means to them. Avoid comments
such as "You're lucky to have a child at all!".
Your encouragement,
understanding and support for your infertile friend or relative can help
to guide them on their long road to resolving their infertility. This
support is crucial to their emotional healing.
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