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JUST AS PRE-ADOPTION COUNSELLING helps adoptive parents and birth mothers reflect on their situation and make choices about their life, post-adoption counselling helps parents to cope with the realities of adoptive parenting. It helps the biological mother to live with her decision to relinquish her child, and the now older adoptee to cope with her queries about her adoptive status.
Parents are encouraged to use this facility offered by adoption agencies without feeling any inhibition or embarrassment. There are some couples who prefer to sever their ties completely with the adoptive agency, perhaps in an attempt to erase the fact of adoption from their minds. They even express discomfort at receiving phone calls and letters from the agency once the stipulated follow-up period is over. These couples are perhaps not aware of what a support the social worker can be when they are faced with sensitive situations and problems they might encounter as adoptive parents.
Some agencies have group meetings where adoptive parents can share post-adoption experiences and give mutual support to one another. This can be an invaluable service and parents should not hesitate to avail of it. Counselling is also available for the adopted child if she feels she has adjustment or emotional problems as she grows up. Children invariably have many queries on their adoptive status and many wish to have these worked out with the social worker who assisted in her placement with her adoptive parents.

The joys of adoption
The emotions expressed through the first-hand experiences of adoptive parents are extremely personal and intense. Here are some extracts, moving because of the candid style in which they are written:

A child came home and parents were born. It is a wonderful feeling, it is as though a magic wand was waves around us. We held Chaitanya in our arms, and he made our lives. We discovered a new world - a fuller and more complete world. All doubts about acceptability, adjustment flew out of the window, and in came a gust of fresh air, bringing with it a new lease on life.
It does not really matter how he came to us. That he is ours now and forever is important. Once we adopted Chaitanya legally, we forgot this legal identity and became proud parents. Every new step, every new move makes us feel great. We feel happy and very, very normal. It is a great feeling to feel normal - normal child, normal mother, normal father. Nothing is different - a new family is born.
Chaitanya beame one year old this month. Relatives and friends gathered and his grandfather showered off the little grand-son. It was one big family gathering that showed how everything was fine. Everything is as it should be, everything is normal - in spite of the fact that Chaitanya is special.

The idea of adoption took root in my mind when as a high school student I had to write an essay on India’s overpopulation. Adoption, I claimed was the solution, and I swore to my friends that I would adopt rather than give birth to my children. This solemn, albeit childlish, decision did not find place in my life till I met Nitin. I talked about these ideas and Nitin seemed reasonably convinced.
After we got married in 1983, there were no plans to have children immediately. We were then earning Rs. 1,200 between the two of us - children were unaffordable. By the time we wanted to have children, Nitin began to insist on a biological child, saying we should have one and adopt one of the opposite sex. Initially I opposed the idea, having set my mind on adopting both. It was my mother who made me feel that I was being unreasonable, and said that I should not go through life only wanting my way, that compromise was not as dirty a word as I imagined. So, finally Richa was born to us on 30 May, 1987.
Three years later we began talking about the second child and Akshay (born September 30, 1990) became part of the family in January 1991. Richa had meanwhile grown up with the idea of one day having a brother and hand, long before Akshay’s arrival, pushed an imaginary baby brother on the swings in the gardens she frequented. Talk about family, schools, and outings invariably included a future sibling. So the idea of becoming an older sister, which we diplomatically made a great fuss about, was not only acceptable to her but also raised her self-esteem. When Akshay came home, she received a gift. When sensitive friends and family members visited, they focused on her rather than on the new arrival. Those not so sensitive were practically instructed on how to avoid hurting her. Her routines and schedules were, by and large, not disrupted. The first couple of months saw absolutely no sibling rivalry. After Akshay became more mobile, she did guard a few of her prized possessions and indeed we encouraged her to. Soon Akshay became Richa’s playmate.
He doted on her and followed her all over the house. She pushed him around and dominated the relationship till he emerged as a strong personality himself. He began to protest and finally to assert himself. Gradually they have chipped away at each other and settled down to a normal relationship between siblings. Today, if I say that the whole family is involved in an activity together and Akshay is not in the same room, Richa is quick to point out my error - "It’s not the whole family"; on other days "Akshay doesn’t count". She can even be possessive about him in the company of other children.
The above account is one of the growth of a sibling relationship and the issue of adoption doesn’t really enter it. The birth of a biological sibling can create far more havoc in a family, and often does! Today Akshay is one-and-a-half, and Richa almost five years old. It is too early to talk of post-adoptive adjustment. Any first child has to adjust to a second - biological or adopted.
I can relate only one significant incident. Once, in an attempt to put herself a notch higher than Akshay in our eyes, Richa got into the following argument. It went something like this:
Richa: I’m more important than Akshay.
Me: Why?
Richa: I’m bigger than him.
Me: Well, someone’s got to be bigger.
Richa: I was born first.
Me: Yes, you were. But as was I ( I have a young brother) and Aditya Mama is not more important than me to Nani.
Richa: But I was born from your body and Akshay wasn’t. (My brother and I are biological children).
Me: It doesn’t really matter. Being born from my body and adopting one are just two ways of having babies of your own.
Richa: I suppose so.
Richa may not have realised it, but she was talking her first few steps in trying to understand the difference, or lack of it, in the whole issue of adoption. But, as I said, it is too early. Both have a lifetime of living out the relationship between themselves and with the rest of the world, singly and jointly.
For the rest of the family, immediate and extended, there has been no real adjustment needed. Adoption was never a negative issue, nobody thought it was odd that we adopted. Some kind souls thought we were terrific, others worried about how we would manage two children in today’s world, when prevailing conditions are making people move towards a single child family. Adoption was that Nitin and I went into: Akshay is just our secone baby, nothing more, nothing less.

Both our children are adopted. Prior to adopting our first one, our concerns were almost exclusively focused on how our children would react to being told that they were adopted. Today, even though they are very young, that issue does not seem as important. It is hard to believe they were born to somebody else.
We spent many sleepless nights wondering how we would know if the child was right for us. Today, in retrospect, that process seems to have happened intuitively. Every bit has been worth it. The joy they bring us and our families is beyond explanation.
People often tell us that we are ‘magnanimous’ or that we are performing a ‘wonderful social service.’ The reality is that we are doing it for purely selfish reasons, just for ourselves.

Many prospective adoptive parents are apprehensive about whether their adopted child will be accepted by society in general and family members in particular. This inbuilt social fear many times acts as a deterrent in the decision to adopt. This is significant since the decision, once taken, is irreversible and concerns an infant whose future thereafter completely depends upon the shape the adoptive parents will give it.
Once a child is brought home, the life of the couple and the atmosphere in the family gets transformed with joy and dedication to the upbringing for the child. Words are inadequate to express this experience. The fear of society’s acceptance vanishes into thin air. The couple’s faith in their decision ultimately prevails. My final words are these: my adopted child is my son. Perhaps not my flesh and blood, but every inch mine - or rather, ours - and he is a precious gift from God to us.

I am the mother of a lovely, bubbly two-and-a-half-year-old daughter. She is everything and much more than any parent would want in a child.
I often wonder why one thinks an adopted child is any different from another. Sometime back a few people asked me how I felt about adopting my daughter. So instead of giving them an answer, I asked them: How did you feel when you had your baby? The instant reply was, "Oh it was simply wonderful, something which cannot be expressed." I said to them: Well that is my answer to your question. I felt exactly the same when I adopted my baby. She is God’s special gift to us. When I adopted her I thought I would be giving her a home, but it is she who has made my house into a home and my life worth living.

Before my son Varun came into my life, I was a vagabond. I joined French and Craft classes, Social Work Institutions and various other services that kept me occupied after my husband left for office and till he came back in the evening. It was Varun who changed my entire life and made me a Complete Woman.
When we saw the baby I couldn’t make sense of this wailing, weak, dark little bundle. He had bed sores too, and some kind of rash. But our pediatrician assured us it just required a little treatment and it would settle down.
My husband extracted one promise from me. Now that we had a son, I should no longer wait long hours at doctors’ waiting rooms, with my temperature chart or my specimen for insemination. I was already a mother! I had to bring up my son now. The axis of my world had shifted from hovering around my husband to this new-found happiness.
The fairy tale ending to this story is that when Varun was two years old, I missed my period and discovered I was pregnant -almost 17 years after my marriage. Varun watched the new baby grow in my belley and he asked me questions which I answered truthfully. I gave birth to another baby boy on December 6, 1989 (Varun was born on December 9,1986). The boys love and fight like any boys will. We do not intend to hide any facts from Varun, when he is a little older. And I know that for him we are his famiy, and as such he is our son.
Varun, of course, will always be, for all my family, our first and special child. For it was he who gave me my first taste of motherhood and the ultimate happiness which any woman can ask for.

It will be three years on April 15, 1992, that we brought "Ninja" home ... when he became a part of our lives and we became part of his, and all of us became a family. Three years of joy, delight as well as some anxious moments: when he had viral fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit, when we were not sure whether he would be able to get a place at a nursery of our choice, and the other dilemmas faced by every parent.
He is ever so mischievous - a little over indulged, possibly because we are middle-aged parents or possible because we were unnecessarily worried about bonding, or so it seems in retrospect, but most probably because we just loved being his parents. Being older parents we had done what we wanted professionally and otherwise with our lives, unlike a lot of younger parents who still have so many unfulfilled aspirations. We were sure that we would be lacking if we did not have a child.
Gone are the days of wondering whether we should or should not adopt or what problems we would face as adoptive parents.
As soon as I saw Ninja’s beautiful mischievous smile, I wanted to take him home. Not so my husband, who is more cerebral. He thought it over for a day or two and met Ninja one more time before he was sure. However, we were not permitted to take him home immediately. We dated Ninja for at least a month. Fortified with disposable nappies and milk bottles, we would take Ninja for a little drive, or to the park nearby. So Ninja was no stranger to us or we to him, by the time he came home. I shall never forget the gorgeous smile on his face and the way his face lit up, as we brought him through the front door and put him in his cot. We’ve never looked back since. (I chose the nae "Ninja" for my son for the purpose of this article as he is crazy about Ninja Turtles and often says, "Now I’m Ninja." So he certainly won’t mind my using that name for him)

Two large eyes and a big toothless smile. Was that really ours for keeps? We were numb with excitement when we brought Malvika home. Quite frankly, maternal instincts took over almost immediately and both Pawan and I settled into our new-found roles with ease.
Our world was Malvika and everything we did centered around her. We faced all the excitement that most parents do with their first-borns, tried out every kind of baby food available, thrilled with the first step, first tooth, and to beat it all, the joys of hearing that delightful word ‘mama’. At this point, my husband was disappointed and kept repeating ‘papa’ time and time again so as to etch the world in her memory. The first holiday we took to Khandala with her. We were paranoid - what if she crawls away, what if she catches infection. We guarded her to such an extent that it seemed the holiday was only for Malvika, who made us dance around her little finger, and we were only two soldiers on a mission to protect her. A little over two happy years passed with this delightful human puppy, when we decided that Malvika could not be our only child. She had to have a little companion of her own. Then came this adorable creative. We named him Arjun, to complete our family. At first we were a bit apprehensive. Would the gap between the two be too little? Would Malvika take to him easily or be madly jealous? Pawan became very protective and possessive about her. But things turned out fine and Arjun settled in with us as if he was always there. Malvika looked at him with awe and wanted him to call her ‘didi’ even before he know how to prattle. The four of us are very happy as a family. We are glad we took the decision to adopt. Life seems more complete now. We look forward to holidays with our children, spending time with them, enjoying them. Today we wonder how we spent 11 years without them.

Like some other adoptive parents, we did not bother to tell people we were trying to adopt a child. We just informed everyone after we had brought our seven-week-old son home. Needless to say, friends and acquaintances alike were quite overwhelmed by the news.
Nothing, however, prepared us for the array of responses we received from people. There were the few who were shocked that anyone could accept another person’s child. Then those who thought we had done such a noble thing; a grand gesture, they said, how selfless and generous we were to have taken a boy off the streets and given him a home.
None of their responses come even close to our feelings. The general response was that he was a ‘lucky little boy’; but no one even once said that we were the two most selfish and lucky people in the world. Selfish because we wanted a child so badly-and lucky to have gotten such a beautiful and loving baby boy.

March 24, 1991, 4.30 p.m. This was the most important moment of our lives. Both my husband Sunil and I were delighted. Everybody at home was in a jubilant mood. It was the day Radhika entered our lives. Radhika: a mischievous and bubbly girl with sparkling eyes and - -oh yes! - what a sweet smile! The moment we saw her, we knew she was ours.
The next day was her first day in our house. All of us were a bit worried. But to our relief she was quite adjusting. She was comfortable with everybody and was a sociable baby. She kept us entertained with her baby talk and laughter. We did not know how time passed by. Within a fortnight, she began responding to her mother tongue and uttering small words. On April 3, she first uttered the word ‘baba’ meaning Daddy. Sunil was so happy and excited about it. Relatives and friends used to drop in every day to meet her. She too was happy to meet them. She loved kids and used to play and share her toys with them.
We had always wanted a very, very mischievous child. Sunil would always say, "A child should be naughty or else people will not know there is a child in the house." Radhika was just like that. She was the right child for us.
Then one day we got a call from the Family Service Centre enquiring about Radhika and suddenly we were reminded that she was an adopted child. All these days we had totally forgotten about it. It had been as though she was our natural-born baby. She never made us feel she was an outsider. The term ‘adoption’ might be alarming and uncommon word for most of society, but for us it has meant a lot of happiness. We are thankful to the Family Service Centre and her foster caretakers for caring for her on our behalf.
Now Radhika is 20 months old. Within a few years she will grow up into a young, beautiful teenager and yes, she will know that she is an adopted child and I know, being our child, she will take the word lightly because with the love and affection showered on her it will not make any difference to her. We will always be thankful to God for helping us choose such a beautiful bundle of joy.
Now we cannot imagine our life without Radhika.

Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day’s occupations
That is known as the Children’s House
- H.W. Longfellow, The Children’s Hour

How badly we missed a child till we decided to adopt one.
About a year after, we were delivered a bundle of joy, Radhika We sincerely feel it is one of the wisest decisions ever taken by us. We were prepared ‘for a couple of uneasy days before an adopted child adjusts to the new surroundings’. Radhika belied this fear totally by being comfortable and thereby making us feel comfortable right from the word go. She adjusted to the new surroundings as if none of it was new to her.
We do not look at Radhika as a special child. She is like any other child. We have not concealed the fact of Radhika being an adopted child from anyone around us and we find that even society treats her the same way. She is scolded and at times even slapped when she does something wrong and is patted and encouraged when her achievements need appreciation.
Our parents had always encouraged the idea of adoption. To them, she has been a grand-daughter and not an adopted grand-daughter. Radhika is very fond of her grandparents and they in turn appear to be equally fond of her.
Our experience so far indicates that society no more looks down upon adoption.
Healthwise, Radhika today is like any other child of her age groups. She has not had any major health problems so far. Thus, the general view that adopted children may have health problems has proved to be a myth, at least in our case. In short, thanks to our own decision, encouragement from our parents, and the invaluable help rendered by the agency, today we are the proud parents of a perfectly normal child at the perfect age; children of the friends of our age group are of the same age as Radhika is. Most people believe that she looks like her father. Her habits are the habits of her parents, i.e. us and her grandparents, as she tries to imitate and follow them. We have something to look forward to in our life. Our life would have always remained incomplete without Radhika!

The idea of adoption was not difficult for us as my wife was found unable to conceive for medical reasons. My parents were dead and her parents were very much in favour. Mine being a loose-knit family, no objections were raised even from close relations, neither was there any offers of a child for adoption from within the family. My wife’s parents were very much in favour of adopting an unknown child. My wife also felt the same way and, being a social worker, this was accomplished without difficulty.
Our first adopted child was a boy of one-and-a-half years, pot-bellied and crying all the time. We fell in love with him the moment we saw him. Sophisticated tests were in their infancy then, and a reliable medical check-up by a good pediatrician was de rigueur, apart from legal formalities. As he was an older child when we adopted him, adjustment took a longer time. It seems his birth mother had been allowed to visit him when he was in the institution.
In spite of the love and attention we gave him, he used to cry a lot and bring up his feeds now and then. Was he feeling his birth mother’s rejection? Can it be felt even at that young age? However, with a lot of care and nurturing from everyone, he got adjusted and this behaviour disappeared gradually and all seemed to be fine.
Now he is a professional chartered accountant, happily married, and very popular with his colleagues and friends.
When our son was two-and-a-half years old, my wife and I decided to adopt a baby girl, preferably a newborn for close bonding. We found a two-week-old baby girl, poorly nourished, but apparently healthy otherwise. She thrived well until she was five months old when she contracted vaccinal virus encephalitis (reaction to small pox vaccination). So began our odyssey of medical consultations. Her milestones were delayed and she was diagnosed as having cerebral palsy as a result of the encephalitis. She was unable to stand or talk even at two years and used to hop around like a rabbit. Tests for other causes of mental handicap existent at that time, were negative. My wife gave up her job for six years to attend full time to her rehabilitation and training. This paid handsome dividends. She is now a presentable young lady moving about quite confidently in society. Her time is spent in a sheltered workshop and with some help she can look after her personal needs both at home and outside.
Has the whole exercise been worthwhile? Would we go through with it again if given an option? The answer is a resounding yes, for pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin. This is what living is all about.

As a couple, ours was as good a relationship as any without a baby but we felt that our life would be more complete having a baby of our own. Like all parents wanting to go in for adoption, we also has our doubts, our queries, but weighing all pros and cons we decided that adoption was the best for us and that too not from within the family but from someone unknown.
The day we were told we’d be seeing our baby brought butterflies to our stomachs. Both of us could not sleep the night before; once again we shared our doubts and started getting cold feet. We barely slept; the clock refused to move fast enough.
We had trusted our counsellor to show a baby who would need us and remembered that we were not shopping for the very best. Yet, when we saw the baby we knew that she was born only for us. Today also, we still thank God, the unknown parents and our counsellor who have all given us our bundle of joy. Our world was created that day and even without any attachment to our baby it was difficult to leave her with the foster care takers for another 24 hours.
There was no nine-month waiting period in which to prepare ourselves for the baby. That night was the most exciting night for us. We had bought a baby book and tried to read it through because at that time we wanted to be the Super Parents. We were planning and making lists of things to buy, as we wanted the best for our own princess. God, our minds must have been in a hundred different places.
The sun rose the next day and so did our heartbeats. The arrival of our baby was getting closer and instructions on welcoming the baby were getting too emotional. But Man proposes and God disposes. We had an anticlimax - the whole morning was spent in shopping and I reached 15 minutes late to bring our baby home. My husband and our counsellor were already there. But there was no happiness on my husband’s face and our counsellor was equally worried, moving from one room to another. A fear gripped me and my husband gradually explained that our baby was dehydrated and had to be admitted to hospital. My whole world crashed and without legal papers we could not call our child our own. It made me very angry.
Gradually my irrational fears moved away and a close bond developed between us and our baby. It also gave us a transition period, the time a mother has with her first born.
Twelve days later, having overcome her sickness, we brought our baby home in a traditional Hindu way. Our baby was now ours to hold, to play with, to cuddle and to call our very own. The nightmare was over and our new life together began.
As our daughter was growing, our pediatrician encouraged us to have another baby. I was prepared but my husband could not think of having another one as he felt he could never love anyone more than his daughter.
The procedures started again though the anxiety was much less. Of course the previous incident did make us tense. Our son was six months old when we brought him home. Till now we cannot get over the fact that we have missed those precious six months of his life. We still remember the day we met our son. He was so comfortable in my husband’s lap, playing with his shirt collar and pocket and even today our son loves to do the same. Our little imp has now grown into a young man of five who loves to identify with his papa.
Today, my husband feels more complete with his son who is an extension of him and the fears of loving another child are over because now he feels he would have missed the experience without both his children. Most of the time we forget that our children are adopted. We have had our growing up problems but they are no different from those of natural parents. We feel like a family with a strong bond for each other combined with a lot of love and affection.
Both our children were told the facts of adoption the day they asked if they were born from my stomach. It really hut to tell them the truth but these questions are not planned in advance, they just happen. One has to tell them eventually, so one must tell the truth. It is better they hear it from us rather than get wrong ideas from anyone else.
Both our children are so much fun to be with that one just can’t help loving them. Loving is not something that you consciously set out to do, it just comes naturally. Their first call for ‘mama’ and ‘papa’ was so delightful that we kept asking them to repeat it. We still enjoy being called their mama and papa. They have given us a purpose in life which is beyond the daily needs. The joy of having our children outweighs anything because a vacuum has been filled with parenthood and we are proud of it and very very proud of our children!

Love is one of the noblest and yet most uncomplicated emotions mankind has been gifted with, because it comes straight from the heart. It transcends many barriers and alters our misguided thinking that true love and affection for a child is attached only through the umbilical cord, as was proved in my case. I was a working woman for quite a few years after my marriage, and had settled down to a comfortable life with my husband and my father-in-law, without any major problems. But something seemed to be missing for each one of us. It took me and my husband a few years to realize what it was, but today we have only to thank the Almighty for having helped us to take a decision before it was too late. A child was what we all wanted, one on whom we could shower our spent-up love and affection and who, in turn, would fill that missing gap in our lives. We each had our own apprehensions when we went to see our one-month-old son for the first time.
I was to leave my job of many years and we all had to adjust to a new entrant. But our fears faded away slowly with every stage, from the time we set eyes on him till he finally became ours. It was almost as though he was helping to clear away the clouds facing us, one by one. I took him in my arms and was even further lost.
Strange are God’s ways. Maybe He found us deserving enough to gift his child, and send him knocking at our door. I only wish he had knocked sooner. Our bond was further strengthened after we brought him home. That day is etched in our memories as one of indescribable emotions - a mixed bag of cries, laughter, joy, love and a sense of fulfilment for having achieved what one wanted to do and gratitude for having been granted it.
It is now almost three years and our son has settled into our household as though he was meant to be born here. He has a special attachment with each member of our family, and especially with his grandfather whom he adores and who dotes on him in return. Strangely enough, he even seems to have developed certain traits that are peculiar to some of us. He is so much ours and has grown into us to such an extent that the word ‘adoption’ seems almost alien to us now. Were it not for this article to remind me, our son is just ‘our own wonderful son’. The joy that he has brought us is unbelievable and there seems to be a certain goal for us to reach now - to nurture a seed and help it to grow into one of God’s finest creations.
There are many such seeds on this earth, planted by the Creator; it is for us to find and sow them and they will bear fruit.

Were there such moments of joy before little Malavika came into our lives? Yes, no doubt there were. But there are so many more now than before! She’s brought such sweetness and light into our lives. It’s really not easy to describe, though I’m sure all adoptive parents can fully empathize with our feelings.
We always dreamt of our child, and never knew that it would turn into a reality. She’s very definitely ‘ours by choice’, and everything we imagined our child to be and much more! Was she really not born from us? It feels hard to believe now, that we did not have anything to do with her being brought into this world.
She was definitely born for us!
And to think that barely six months ago, we didn’t have this little ‘bundle of joy’ (sorry for the cliches, but they’ re really apt) in our arms. Instead we had this never-ending rounds of doctors, different treatments, anger and frustration at not being able to bear our child, feelings of guilt and grief, and at times hope - the whole gamut of emotions! Why did we go through all that? Was it necessary to bring that upon ourselves? Yes, it was, because only after going through that, were we fully prepared to adopt - and that is really important. We never wanted any doubts niggling in our minds: "Maybe we should have tried harder." We went through it all!
And the only one fear we had about adoption was how our child would take to the news of her adoption. Talking to friends who had already gone through this helped us make the decision. I remember the first day we saw her lying in a cradle in her foster home - gurgling and kicking. And when I held her, she nuzzled her face in my shoulder - that’s when I felt, "Hey! That’s my baby!" But, being a psychologist who’s worked with mentally handicapped and dyslexic children all my life, I insisted on all the medical tests being done before we brought her home. And that fateful day, five months ago, she entered our home and our lives to stay there forever. She’d already entered our hearts long ago! I remember my husband giving me a little wall hanging which said," Love enters the heart through the arms of a mother." I remember the initial anxiety when she would cry, and we did not know what would soothe her. We hadn’t yet recognized which cry meant hunger and which meant pain or maybe anger! It took us a few weeks to settle down with her, but soon we felt as if she’d always been there.
I have cut short my working hours, and operate only from home, so that I can enjoy her growing years. We both really do that! My husband, who makes it a point to come home early to play with his daughter and give her a sponge bath every night, says that it helps him unwind from the day’s worries while he is playing with her and bathing. I remember how he used to watch her sleep, and reverently whisper that she looked like an angel when she smiled in her sleep.
I catch myself doing silly things like actually demonstrating to my family and friends the new things she has done that day, as if it is something unique which no other baby could have done; in fact, every baby crosses these milestones. That’s what it’s like to finally have your dreams come true! We had a dream, and we’re living in it with Malavika - our very own daughter!

The first flush of enthusiasm over having adopted two daughters no longer exists - it happened over thirty years ago. We are a family like any other with biological children. We have had our joys, our problems, especially during their adolescence. However, we were fortunate to be able to cope successfully with these assisted by my social work background and our association with others in the adoption field.
Retrospectively, the strength in our relationship with our children emanates from the fact that we were not secretive about their being adopted. Communication was open and free with them, and every opportunity to discuss adoption, their roots, their feelings about being adopted were taken at the appropriate time. In short, we managed to give them a positive self-image and reinforce the fact that we are a family.
At the time we adopted the girls it was because we wanted children. It was a short-term desire for the fulfillment derived from parenthood. The bonuses have come through the years with loving sons-in-law and delightful grand-children. There is a continuity to life (the blood-biological factor does not exist). At present I am ‘grandma’. The relationship we have is very important for me and for my grandchildren. My deep regret is that my husband did not share this part of life, as he passed away before our children were married.
The process of awareness of adoption does not end here. Imperceptibly it is being handed down to my grand-children with my involvement in the adoption field and with the arrival of each addition in the family which generates questions about the birth of their mothers.

My social worker was very sceptical about us to start with. She felt my husband and I had a very clinical approach and did not seem to respond emotionally to the baby the first time we saw her. But, once we made up our minds and brought the baby home, there have been very few occasions when I have remembered that she is not my biological child.
If you bring the child into your home at an early age I think that, except for the fact that you have not borne her for nine months, you have not missed out on parenthood at all. You will be able to talk and reminiscence about her childhood as any natural mother does.
When I compare my involvement with my daughter to that of some friends with their natural children I have realised that, with your instinct for motherhood, you might even be closer to your adopted child because you know you have walked the path to parenthood willingly and after a lot of mature thought.

Once Nilima told us the baby’s name, I knew she was our baby. Fifteen years ago, when I had studied transcendental meditation, the pandit had given me a mantra, which was the word shama, specially selected for me, based on my personality, horoscope and background. It was certainly destiny that our baby’s name also turned to be Shama.
When we first heard about the baby that Nilima had chosen for us, we were concerned about her low birth weight. But when we saw her for the first time, with her cute, delicate features, looking so frail and helpless, my husband’s instantaneous reaction was, "She really needs us!"
As I hold her in my arms, the burden of responsibility is over- shadowed by the utter joy and feeling of fulfillment that she has brought into our lives. And Ido believe that Nicole Shame Cline understands. I get the sweetest smiles from her after her feed at two o’clock in the morning!

The first time I was this baby at the foster parent’s home was a time of curiosity and dread. Did I want my life changed? Did I really want somebody else’s child? Does this baby have any resemblance to any of us? Did I want the responsibility?
Holding the baby on the first visit did nothing for me. Later visits, however, after holding the baby many more times, completely changed my earlier thoughts and feelings. I could not wait to take the baby home. He became our joy and delight. Once the baby was home, he was mine ... ours. He was part of our family - one of us.
With the second child we adopted, the process was much easier and there were no mixed feelings. It was simply love at first sight. We saw the baby and all three of us wanted to take the baby home immediately.

Being adopted : children share
Grown-up adoptees speak of what it feels like to be adopted. The reflections of adopted children focus on their adopted status, feelings towards their birth parents whom they never knew, their need, if any, to search for their roots, and the rights of the adopted child. The literal meaning of the term ‘adoption’ is: to take for your own. But there is more to it than this, because when you take someone for your own you give him all your love and care. I am indeed fortunate to be adopted and don’t feel ashamed. After all, my parents have done a very good thing by adopting me. It is due to this that I was able to get such a wonderful mother, and that mamma was able to get such a lovely daughter as me (vain ain’t I!) It is really nice to hear that more and more people are thinking positively about adoption as thousands of unfortunate children will get homes. I pray to God that those little kids whom my friend’s mother foster cares for, get secure homes as their own.
Sometimes I feel people are rude to me because I am adopted but then I think of all the good things I have got after coming to this wonderful home, which I can call my own. I am grateful to God for giving me such wonderful loving parents!

As an adopted child I grew up with people telling me I was very lucky. I’m not sure if I felt privileged or rejected. Now, at 19 years, I view my adoption as a definite privilege. Though I am ashamed to admit it to myself, I have very contradictory feelings about adoption. At times I felt it should be banned and parents should not have such a freely acceptable option of giving up their child. Adopted children are treated like objects passed on to another couple without what they might feel in their late years even being considered. On the other hand I feel adoption is a process which is mutually beneficial. Even so, I sometimes wish I was not adopted and that I had a blood relative. I am glad and appreciative of my adoption, and am slowly coming to terms with it. One day I can have my own children: blood relations ... Adopted children all over the world are curious to find out about their roots. It is a human instinct for a child to question the cause for their existence. As an adopted child I feel every child should be given the choice, at the age of 18, to decide whether they want to find out information about their biological parents so long as their identity is not disclosed. The right of adopted children to find out about their biological parents is equivalent to the parents’ right to confidentiality.

I’m very thankful that you gave me a wonderful mom and dad. I love my family very much. And I know that if you are happy in a home, then it doesn’t matter who your real parents are. But I feel I have to know something about them ... who they are, what they are doing and if they think of me. This is very important to me.
An adopted child is no different from a biological child. So I feel that a problem adopted child is no different from a problem biological child. Problems, if any, are part of the normal growing up process and nothing to do with being adopted. I have no wish to search for my ‘roots’; I do not know any other parents other than my adoptive ones.

I am now 30 and was adopted when I was two years old. Every year at Christmas time we went to the orphanage from where I was adopted and threw a party for the children there. Sometimes we invited a few children home for the Christmas holidays. This may have helped me to appreciate my parents and to accept the fact that I was adopted and that I was fortunate. We were told as children that we were adopted and this was done in the form of a fairy tale which conveyed that we were special and chosen. It was only much later that we understood the concept of adoption.
My parents were founder members of the Indian Association for Promotion of Adoption. As a result I had a constant exposure to adoption.
At the age of thirteen I went through the phase of asking questions such as , "Who was my mother? Why did she leave me?" I also used adoption as a means to provoke a reaction from my parents. When disciplined, I would threaten to leave and go back to the orphanage. At one stage I felt the need to find my biological mother but since my parents would give me no support, I began to lose interest. My parents always answered our questions freely without any fears and restrictions.
I subsequently graduated from the College of Social Work and decided to work with my mother. Working in an Adoption Agency meant not only meeting more children but prospective adoptive parents as well. Parents, on finding out that I am adopted, relaxed immediately, and then asked questions about my feelings, my views, etc. I found it so easy to understand older children and their interests and fears.
In Goa, where I subsequently moved with my husband, adoption is not socially acceptable. In spite of this, my husband proudly introduces me as being adopted. He also makes it a point, as my parents did, to celebrate my special day every day, i.e. the day I was brought home.
I now have a daughter who is almost three years old. When I was having my baby I was quite ill and I do regret that in those days the agency did not have any medical records about my biological mother. At that time there were so many questions that could not be answered but having a family who cares is all that matters. I do plan to tell my daughter as soon as possible so that she realises that being adopted is something special. I must confess that it took me some time to realise that my baby was my first biological link but to me now it makes no difference.

Joy and pain are two sides of the same coin.
In this world, there exists beautiful things
alongside human tragedy. Among the most
heart-breaking tragedies are those that
involve vulnerable children.
There are thousands of destitute children
who need the love and security of a family
and many couples who have love in their
hearts to share and crave to be parents.

Adoption bring them together.