| |
- Which children can you adopt? Who are the birth parents?
- How do heredity and environment influence the child’s development?
- How should you introduce your child to relatives, friends and neighbours?
- How should you ‘tell’ the child about adoption?
- What should you do when the child ‘searches’ for roots and identity?
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But miraculously
my very own.
Never forget for
a single moment,
You didn’t grow
under my heart,
But in it.
by
Fleur Heyliger
A PARADOX IN INDIAN
SOCIETY is that, on the one hand, it greatly values
fertility and motherhood within marriage, but on the
other, it totally rejects and ostracises the unwed mother
and the child born out of wed-lock, to the extent that
the mother is compelled to give up her child for
adoption.
Most of the children given up for adoption are born to
young, unwed mothers who are unable to keep their
children because of the stigma attached to those born out
of wedlock. In western society, this may seem an unusual
reason for relinquishment because single parenthood and
unwed mothers are more accepted. But Indian societal
norms being different, the unwed mother would find it
difficult to bring up her child against the odds.
Many unwed mothers come from conservative, protected and
traditional backgrounds, and are naive and vulnerable.
They are often victims of circcumstance and get involved
in relationships that result in unwanted pregnancies. The
pregnancy gets advanced either due to ignorance about
available options or the hope that the putative father
will marry her. When this does not happen, the only
alternative is to carry the pregnancy to full term,
secretly, and then give up the child in adoption.
Some other reasons for giving the child up are desertion
or death of one spouse, inability to care for the child
due to socio-economic pressures, and birth of an unwanted
girl child or a child with medical problems or some kind
of handicap.
The social service departments of state and municipal
hospitals contact adoption agencies when they have a
mother who wants to give up her child in adoption.
Obstericians in private hospitals and clinics are also
informed so that they contact a child welfare agency or
institution in the same situation. Private adoptions are
discouraged.
The social workers then meet with the biological or birth
parents to discuss the plan of action. It is important
for the social worker to help the mother emotionally
handle the situation, and the goal should be to prevent
her from abandoning the child. Ideally, the child should
grow up in her biological family, seeking the help of
support services where necessary. Only if this is
impossible should the option of adoption be considered.
Once the decision to relinquish the child is final, there
is a legal document to be prepared. This is the Document
of Surrender ( see Annexure 6). The Document of Surrender
is signed by the relinquishing legal guardians of the
child; the mother, if the child is out-of-wedlock; the
father, if his wife has died; both, if the couple is
married; or the grandparents, if the parents of the child
have died. This is usually done with witnesses present
and the social worker explains and interprets the
contents of the document.
One very significant aspect of the Document of Surrender
is that it is confidential. An assurance is given to the
mother/father/parents/grandparents that their identity
will not be disclosed under any circumstances and hence
this document becomes a confidential record, to be kept
in court custody. This, of course, has future
implications in terms of the grown-up adoptee’s
search for her roots and identity (see page 38).
At the time of relinquishment, attempts should be made to
get as much medical and social history as possible, so
that this information is available for later use. How
much information the institution is able to maintain on
the child’s background depends on the circumstances
of abandonment and the way in which the child came to be
in legal custody of the institution.
Besides children who are relinquished by birth parents,
there are also abandoned children who can be adopted.
These children are left in public places, taken into
police custody and finally appear before the Juvenile
Court or Juvenile Welfare Boards, as per the requirements
of the Juvenile Justice Act, 1986 ( see Adoption and the
law, page 54) Only when enquiries to trace the parents or
guardians have failed is the child declared destitute.
The destitute child can then be offered for adoption.
Sometimes, the child is declared destitute and committed
to a certified institution or orphanage; such children
may be given in adoption with the permission of the
particular state government which is the child’s
guardian.
The focus all along may seem to be the birth mother, but
this is because it is she who most often makes the
adoption decision. (Occasionally, the father relinquishes
the child when he is left a widower and is unable to cope
with the parenting role.) The emotional trauma of the
birth mother is serious. Even though hers may have been
an unwanted pregnancy, the nine months of gestation
creates a bond between mother and baby.
In India, the women are often not very articulate in
expressing and sharing their anguish over abandoning
their child. Because of the social pressures on her, it
is with a sense of relief that the birth mother agrees to
let someone take over the responsibility of her child;
her apprehensions are more related to keeping her
identity secret. She experiences the reality of adoption
and relinquishment only much later and it is then that
she feels the ‘loss’ of her baby. The follow-up
and rehabilitation of the birth mother is usually done by
the hospital social workers. She is encouraged to reflect
on the likelihood that she adopted child will try and
locate her birth records, and she is told that she can
leave a letter or a small token for the child, if she
wants to do this.
As adoptive parents, you may want as much information as
possible on the biological mother and all efforts are
made to maintain a detailed medical and social history of
the birth mother.
It is sadly ironical that the infant so traumatically
separated from her unwed mother is the same child that
brings immeasurable joy to the adop- tive parents who
have been so eagerly awaiting her.
How do
heredity and environment influence the child’s
development?
The ‘nature
versus nurture’ discussion is one that professionals
have had for decades and their unanimous conclusion is
that it is neither nature nor nurture separately, but
both together that contribute to a child’s
personality development and growth.
One apprehension you may have, once you have decided to
adopt, concerns the background of the child that you will
be making your own; while heredity provides the
‘potential’, it is the environment that the
child grows up in that moulds and maximises this
potential. If a nurturing and stimulating environment is
provided along with maximum opportunities for
development, this enables both the physical and
personality development of the child.
Physical characteristics like skin, hair and eye colour,
height and structure are determined by heredity, as are
predispositions and susceptibility to certain illnesses.
Knowledge of these latter can be gained through a
complete medical assessment of the child prior to
adoption. The agency gets as much medical background as
possible on the birth mother, as well as the type of
delivery and the baby’s Apgar Score (cry at birth)
which is said to give a fair indication of the
child’s future brain development. Several tests are
also conducted, such as the test for HIV ( the AIDS
virus), Australian Antigen ( Hepatitis B) and VDRL ( see
Annexure 6).
On the other hand, behavioural patterns, personality
traits, mannerisms - these are all ‘acquired’
through a process of socialisation, identification and
role modelling.
To generalize, physical characteristics are more likely
to be inherited while personality traits will be the
result of upbringing. Research has shown that height
depends to some extent on heredity, but undernourishment
can stunt a child’s growth while good nutrition can
help a child grow to her full potential height.
Most of the personality characteristics which make people
seem pleasant or unpleasant are a result of their
upbringing or nurturing. The child who is brought up in a
neglected, unloved and emotionally deprived environment
will blossom in a happy home; even the child’s
appearance will be transformed. She will start resembling
the people who take care of her. She will adopt your
expressions, gestures, behavioural patterns to such an
extent that strangers might even remark on the
resemblance between you and your adopted child.
Most of the characteristics which make people seem
pleasant, likable or unlikable are a result of upbringing
and what they have imbibed through role modelling. The
values of caring, concern, justice, honesty, integrity
are all learnt from parents and they are attributes of
the mind and personality which are created, nurtured and
learnt through environmental influences.
Often, what parents believe to be inherited
characteristics are actually acquired from their
environment; there is a resulting confusion over what is
thought to be the dangers of heredity. For example, if a
person falls into thieving ways, we do not believe that
his or her child will be a thief by virtue of heredity. A
child learns to steal if she lives in an environment
where she is exposed to stealing of if she has negative,
deprived life experiences. The point is, we may not
inherit specific skills, habits or behaviour. These are
learnt and acquired as we grow up. But we are born with
certain characteristics which may develop positively or
negatively, according to our environment and upbringing.
You, as adoptive parents, may have so much apprehension
regarding your child’s background that it is very
important for you to clarify what is inherited and what
is not. Unless you understand this, you may be
unrealistic or unsympathetic of your child’s
behaviour when she is going through disturbing, though
normal, adolescent phases. Your tendency might then be to
attribute the child’s negative behaviour to her
genetic make-up; you might feel helpless, or try to
absolve yourself, at the time, of your responsibility to
the child.
Infant research has reinforced the importance of
environmental influences on a child’s personality
development. Despite being of a lower socio-economic
background and born to illiterate parents, for instance,
adopted children were found to be leading very successful
lives. They had not developed characteristics of their
biological parents, but had imbibed the standards, values
and attributes of their adoptive parents.
While the contribution of environment and upbringing to a
child’s personality is thus determined, heredity
cannot be ignored. Even an ideal environment can only
develop what is already present in an individual. No
amount of coaching or pressure can develop in a child an
artistic or musical talent that did not exist in the
first place, and it is important for ambitious parents to
keep this in mind. As parents, whether adoptive or
biological, you might have unrealistic expectations of a
child.
What about the adopted child’s level of
intelligence? Psychologists and social scientists believe
that a child’s basic intellectual ability is
inherited, but whether this ability is fully realised or
not depends entirely on the environment. Most people
donot use all the intelligence they were born with.
Apparent intelligence is the result of educational
exposure and social learning. Sometimes people from
deprived, non-stimulating environments may seem very
dully, even though they are not actually so. It is hard
to accurately predict a child’s intelligence, but
heredity does play an important role in this area.
Those prospective adoptive parents who come from
intellectually superior backgrounds may expect
higher-than-average achievements from their child.
Sometimes these expectations may be higher than the
average potential of the child and this could lead to
disappointment. Hence, it is very important to be
realistic and practical in your expectations. Each child
is an individual in her own right and should be
considered and accepted as such. Destitute children
certainly need adoptive homes and families that will give
them opportunities they might not have otherwise had, but
to live in the shadow of unrealistic parental
expectations is unfair to any child. It is as likely that
an adopted child will ‘perform’ as it is that a
biological child will, but it is important for you
remember that your child may develop very differently
from what you expected or wanted. A successful adoption
is not an adoption without problems, but one in which you
have learnt to accept and resolve difficult situations.
Related to this, you might have an important question in
your minds; "How much greater are the risks and
difficulties related to having an adopted child compared
to the risks of having a biological child?"
We can look here at some of the advantages. You, as
adoptive parents, are making deliberate choices - the
choice of when to adopt, of the sex of the child, and of
her physical normality. In comparison, biological parents
take risks concerning their child’s physical
handicaps; often they do not even know very much about
their own family histories.
All through our lives, our inborn genetic tendencies and
the external environmental influences that surround us
act and react with one another to produce our
personalities and make us what we are. So we can safely
conclude that most adopted children will develop as well
as birth children would, given the same environment and
opportunities for growth.
How
should you introduce your child to relatives, friends and
neighbours?
Adoptive parents
often seek counselling on how to discuss their adoption
plans with relatives and friends. What to say, how to say
it and when, are some of the questions that emerge.
If the adoptive parents are themselves comfortable and
confident about their decision to adopt, they will not
experience much discomfort, or suffer inhibitions or
embarrassment from the thought of sharing with relatives
and friends their intention to adopt a child. One fear is
that other people may form harsh opinions based on
ignorance, and then try to discourage the adoption. This
would be very disheartening to adoptive parents who are
themselves ambivalent about their decision.
However, it is important to share your decision to adopt
with your immediate relatives and close friends, because
when people around you feel involved in the process, they
might be supportive, and very likely accepting and
welcoming to the adoptive child. A couple may choose to
restrict the information they share. With attitudes
becoming more liberal, society is becoming more accepting
of adoption and it should be easier to share the joy of
adoption with your friends.
How
should you ‘tell’ the child about adoption?
In the context of
adoption, ‘telling; does not imply what you think it
implies. The principle underlying the telling is that a
child accepts her ‘adoptedness’ in a way
directly related to the degree of comfort that the
parents themselves experience in their own status as
adoptive parents.
The process of adoption is an intense emotional
experience for the adoptive parents. In the same way,
sharing the fact of adoption with the child is also a
very sensitive experience, and sometimes causes the
adoptive parents much anxiety. The main questions that
arise in their mind are :
Do we have to ‘tell’ our child?
If we do, then when should we do so, and how?
The right time and the right manner in which to talk
about adoption with your adopted child varies from family
to family, and is also dependent on the child’s
emotional maturity.
Ideally, the ‘story’ of adoption should start
as soon as possible - when the child is around three
years old, and certainly before the child begins school.
Then, for the child, the story of her adoption and her
left with her parents unfolds just as she is beginning to
understand reality. It is important for the parents
themselves to be comfortable with the fact of adoption,
only then are they in a position to talk about it without
inhibition or apprehenshouse with so muchion. The word
‘adoption’ should be used around the frequency
and so comfortably that the child sees it as synonymous
to being loved and wanted.
Adoption is choosing a child who is to be yours for life.
One adoptive parent puts it this way - "To be our
very own for always". As such, a child can be helped
to understand that being adopted is something that makes
her loved and wanted and it is another way of building
families.
It is important that adoptive parents themselves explain
the fact of adoption to their child, or else the child is
likely to find out at a later stage from an outside
source; family happiness and security cannot be built on
an untruth or when there is fear of discovery. For a
child to learn this personal information from an outsider
or unrelated source can be quite traumatic, and so it is
best if the parents themselves initiate a discussion with
their child and share the fact of adoption.
But how exactly to share the fact?
All that the very small child needs to know at first is
that she became a part of the family through adoption -
just the way her mummy and daddy came together by
marriage. A child cannot really begin to understand
adoption until she learns where babies come from and that
she was not ‘born’ into the family, but was
‘chosen’ to be part of it. Therefore, when she
starts asking questions - she will probably be between
the ages of three and six - it is important to give
simple and truthful answers.
A suggested response of some adoption agencies is:
"For a long time we wanted a baby just like you. We
were lonely and our house seemed empty. Then, a person
who knew where there were some babies who wanted mummies
and daddies helped us find you. You were so lovable and
beautiful, just as you are now. You were the very baby we
wanted, so we brought you to your new home, to be our
very own forever."
What you say is not as important as how you express the
feeling behind your words. If a child senses that her
parents are tense and anxious about the subject, she may
tend to close up and not want to talk further on the
matter. Some parents have used their photo album or a
life book to explain the story of adoption.
Telling about adoption is not a once-and-for-all affair.
It is a gradual process, which needs to be handled over a
period of time. Very often, one can get tempted to
complete the entire sharing of the truth in one session,
but this is not really recommended. In fact, the most
appropriate and natural thing would be to give the child
a big hug and kiss when you are happy and the act is
spontaneous, and say: "We are so glad we
adopted." This way the child begins to associated
the word ‘adoption’ with love and a sense of
belonging.
As the child grows older and learns how babies are born,
an inevitable question is: "Mummy, was I also in
your tummy?" If you say no, the child might ask:
" Then whose tummy was I in, and why didn’t she
keep me?" In most cases, the adoptive parents are
not fully aware of the birth mother’s reasons for
relinquishment, so here you could say: "There are
many reasons why parents can’t keep their children.
I don’t know the real reason, but I’m sure they
had problems and couldn’t look after you and wanted
you to have a happy home."
The child must be helped to understand that the woman
whose tummy she was in gave her birth and that you are
her ‘real’ mother now and for always - and that
now she is part of your family. In this manner, she will
develop a sense of belonging to you as her parents.
Experience has shown that when a child grows up knowing
these essential facts, they become as much a part of her
as any other factual information.
Most adoptive parents feel so close to their child and
love her so much that it is hard for them to remember
that she was not born to them. One mother said, "I
need to be reminded that I did not give birth to little
Neha." In these circumstances, the parents sometimes
wonder if it is really necessary to share the fact of
adoption with the child ; many parents rather dread the
‘telling’ and wish it were not necessary.
However, the whole process has a very deep emotional
meaning for both the parents and the child. But for the
ultimate welfare of the child, sharing the fact of
adoption is an integral part of the adoptive process.
What
should you do when the child ‘searches’ for
roots and identity?
This is such a
sensitive aspect of the adoption process that perhaps no
one can offer the perfect advice. There are two points of
view - both diametrically opposite and equally strong.
One is that the adopted child has a right to search for
her roots and identity and the other states that it is
the biological mother’s right to keep her secret and
have the confidentiality of her abandonment preserved.
Besides the question of which right is the greater right,
the social worker’s code of ethics and her
responsibility to keep confidential the records of the
birth mother further adds to the complexity of the
child’s search for her roots and identity.
The third corner of the adoption triad, namely the
adoptive parents, also become very anxious during this
search because it threatens the security of their
parental ties and takes them through the trauma of
acknowledging the existence of another set of parents.
But the focus of concern of the past - the child - is
still the principal concern in the present. She is the
only one among the three parties who had no voice during
the arrangements of her adoption - she signed no
documents and she pledged no confidentiality! The social
worker must give the same attention to the child as she
did before and counsel her to sort out the questions:
"Who am I? Who were my parents? Why did they give me
up?"
In the Indian context, this issue has still not taken on
the complexity that it has in western society where there
is more stress on individuality and on the personal right
of a child for access to information. In India, because
of the conservative and traditional nature of society and
family ties, the need for secrecy and confidentiality is
dominant and the adopted child quite often does not even
know of the fact of her own adoption!
With the social stigma attached to unwed motherhood in
India, the single mother who gives up her child prefers
to do so in total annonymity so that later no one can
trace her. She would like to leave the past behind her,
get married and settle into a new life. She probably
pushes out of her consciousness the reality of her
abandonment and does not expect anyone to trace her in
the future. She often needs assurance about her identity
being kept completely confidential. She sometimes does
not even want the three month reconsideration period that
is offered to her for thinking over her decision. If, 20
years later, in the light of all this, the adopted child
goes back to trace her, this might totally disrupt her
new life. Is this fair to her? On the other hand, the
argument goes, the adopted child might sense a void in
her life if she knows nothing about the person who gave
her birth. Is this fair to her? Is it fair that a grown
-up adoptee should have what one describes as a missing
piece in the jigsaw puzzle, a missing link in the chain
of life which, until traced, leaves the person with a
sense of incompletness.
Adoption agencies in India have a sealed and confidential
record system whereby there is no access to the
relinquishment document and it remains a property of the
court. For it to become possible for the adopted child to
trace her biological parents, the law will have to
change. There will also have to be a change in the
process of relinquishment where the birth mother will
have to be told that her child might trace her in the
future. Also possible in the future is that adoptive
parents face a situation where the natural mother seeks
her rights of keeping some contract with her child.
An adopted child’s search for her roots has
far-reaching implications in the lives of all involved in
the adoption process. A balanced view needs to be taken
to arrive at some kind of compromise. For the present, it
might be sufficient to say that when the child grows up,
she ought to be given information related to her birth
mother’s social background, circumstances and
reasons for abandonment, without revealing the identity
of the mother. We need to protect all the corners of the
adoption triad, so that there is no unhappiness involved
for anyone who is part of it.
[back]
|
