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- Why?
- Childlessness is not an inadequacy
- Should you, shouldn’t you?
Has the whole exercise been
worthwhile? Would we go
through it again if given an
opinion? The answer is a
resounding yes. For pleasure
and pain are two sides of the
same coin. This is what living
is all about.
by
an adoptive father
THE
DECISION TO ADOPT is fraught with many apprehensions.
This might be because any course of action that deviates
from societal normal and practices is controversial and
often difficult to choose. As a ‘childless’
couple, it may be extremely hard to decide to accept an
unrelated child into your family. At the same time, you
might be experiencing a craving for parenthood to fill
what you perceive as a void in your lives.
This is what brings us to the fundamental questions of
adoption: Is adoption second-best as a means to building
a family? Are ties of blood superior in some way to ties
of love? How can you compare parenthood by procreation to
parenthood through adoption?
In searching for the answer, it might help to keep this
thought in mind: neither procreation nor biological birth
alone are the prerequisites for parenthood, but rather
parenting ought to be seen as a couple’s
contribution to the nurturing and growth of another human
being.
A common reason that might lead a couple to consider
adoption is their involuntary childlessness - a condition
that gives rise to a complex of emotions for the two
individuals involved. These emotions have their roots in
the fundamental human need and desire for parenthood.
Other motivations to adopt could be a desire to give a
home to a child who needs one, wanting a child of the
other sex, advanced age and the possibility of the
genetic problems in one’s biological child.
Infertility is most often seen only as a medical problem,
but such a viewpont overlooks the emotional and
psycho-social aspects which are probably more important
to the couple. Most couples simply assume that
conceiving, childbearing and giving birth are matter of
choice and an inevitable outcome of a marriage. Hence, an
inability to conceive or to take a pregnancy to full term
is an unexpected and traumatic shock.
Parenthood is thought of as an integral stage in life
that goes hand in hand with being married. When you
cannot have biological children, and when you think you
might miss out on the experience of parenting, you may
experience a void in your life.
The hardest part of being infertile is coming to terms
with the fact that there is some physical problem which
is coming in the way of childbearing and that no amount
of medical intervention can successfully change this.
This realisation may lead to feelings of loss, inadequacy
and low self- esteem in some parents. You might also
experience denial, guilt, depression, frustration and a
sense of helplessness.
Some couples may be so embittered that their marriage is
force through a trying period. You might separately
suffer from the "Why me?" syndrome which,
unless addressed, could lead to your psychological
estrangement as a couple. On the other hand, crisis often
brings people together; by sharing your grief and
resolving the issue, you could build a close bond between
yourself.
Unexplained infertility
sometimes leaves a lingering hope that some miracle will
occur which will give you a biological child. In the hope
of conception, you will thus tend to keep postponing a
decision to adopt a child. A gynaecologist who
specialises in problems of infertility might help you
make the right decision at this point. However, while may
couples with problems of infertility have been able to
conceive, as a result of today’s medical technology,
there are as many parents who would benefit from an early
resolution of their conflict by deciding to adopt.
In the Indian context, infertility has negative
connotations. Particularly among traditional society and
lower socio-economic groups, a woman who does not produce
biological children faces social ostracism, threats of
divorce, and the husband is pressured to remarry.
Infertility studies show that in 40% of the cases the man
is the cause, in another 40% it is the woman, and the
couple share the problem in the remaining 20%. Still
ignorance leads society to most often hold the woman
responsible for childlessness.
The Social Role Theory views parenthood as one of the de
fining roles of adulthood, and so childlessness creates a
sense of ‘role deficiency.’Besides, in India,
procreation is highly valued, both from religious and
social points of view, because the offspring is
responsible for continuing the family name and performing
religious rites for the family. A couple’s feeling
that, in some way, they are not performing an important
role in their lives is reinforced by these social
pressures and expectations.
When a couple resolves their crisis of infertility only
then can they channel their energy into deciding to adopt
a child. In getting to this point, some couples may go
through the stages of denial, anger, grief, acceptance
and finally hope.
To cushion themselves from this initial shock, most
couples use denial. This functions as a buffer and a
temporary defence. "No," the couple thinks,
"it is impossible. Maybe the reports are mixed
up...."
"Why me?" is the next stage in the process of
mourning, and this is often accompanied by anger and
hopelessness. This is very difficult to cope with, since
it can get displaced and projected onto the environment.
Marital tension might result. Blaming your partner might
lead to a rift in your relationship. You view infertility
as a loss - the loss of a dream and the loss of the
potential role of genetic parenthood.
A way to resolve this crisis is for you to view and
accept childlessness or infertility as a shared loss.
Doing so will let you look ahead and explore your
alternatives constructively. Articulating your feelings
and discussing the issues facilitates the process of
acceptance.
To some couples, infertility does not assume great
proportions as a problem. These individuals are able to
accept the disappointment pragmaticaly and want to move
ahead to considering the options - adopting a child or
reconciling themselves to a life without children.
The traditional Indian concept of fate is another
response to the situation of infertility. Drawing on
this, some couples begin to accept their situation by
believing tafalistically that they were not destined to
have biological chidren.
Before you decide to adopt, you must resolve
satisfactorily all the issues relating to your
infertility as a couple. If not, there is the risk that
your adopted child will be a constant reminder of your
own inability to have biological children. But by
reframing or redefining your problem you might view the
situation you are in from a new perspective, and having
done so you can consider an alternative mode of achieving
parenthood- namely adoption.
You will learn to accept that the joys of parenthood can
be as successfully achieved through adoption, and
parenthood by procreation is by no means a superior form
of parenthood.
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